"Bad Johnson"’s idea of a Meet-Cute is Rich hooking up with a woman trying to buy a pregnancy test. Rich explains how she can cheat the test, which would be completely useless if it’s positive. The test seeker, Jamie (Jamie Chung), finds all of this charming and begins to date him. Six weeks later, on his way to finally consummate his relationship with Jamie, Rich crashes into a cougar’s BMW. Said cougar exchanges more than her insurance information with Rich.
Now, I don’t give a damn how good that gecko on TV is to your pocketbook. If some guy in a piece of crap car hits your brand-spanking new BMW, you are not going to give him oral pleasure. You’d be sending his nuts back up into his stomach with your Manolo Blahnik. But wait! That would be funny! So it’s not happening in this movie.
Jamie discovers Rich’s infidelity and kicks him out. Taking a page from the equally terrible "The Change-Up," Rich makes a wish he’ll regret the next morning. He wishes for control over the body part he keeps blaming for his philandering. His pillipecker disappears the next morning. Don’t ask me how, but it winds up in an alley across town.
Taking the guise of a naked Nick Thune, the penis calls Rich collect and details his location and lack of clothes. Rich picks him up, then introduces him to his personal trainer buddy, Josh (Kevin Miller). Josh is frowned upon by Rich and the movie because Josh is in a committed relationship. He befriends Rich’s whooziwatzit and discovers he likes him better than Rich. Josh’s relationship with Rich’s penis could have been pumped for commentary about the unspoken homoeroticism in many cinematic bromances, but the movie has less interesting things to do.
Castrated Rich starts a new relationship with Lindsay (Katherine Cunningham), a female client at the gym. As he falls for her, his penis gets weaker. (Whoring good! Relationship bad!!) To combat this, Rich’s one-eyed worm turns criminal. First, he tries to screw Lindsay, then he kidnaps her with murderous intent. When Rich tries to save her, the tables are turned as his pud starts to pound on him. Thune looks as if he can break Gigandet in half, and I wish he had; it would have spared me "Bad Johnson"’s incredibly uninspiring rooftop climax.
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